BIG TIPS

JANUARY 12, 1996 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 23

When I approach a guy, I feel like a deer in headlights

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Hey, happy 1996! I hope you all passed the holiday season with flying colors. At risk of seeming gauche, I have to gloat about the best present I received: a customized, yardlong, hot pink Barbie stretch limo with a hot tub in back. I expect an immediate cessation of friends' whining about my lack of a car.

Dear M.T.,

Aaaaugh! Again, and I just don't know what to do! It's Saturday at 2:30 am and not even a nibble.

Here's the scoop. I'm 30 as of this past June. The last time I was with a man in the all-together was 1987. (You do the math, I'm tired of being reminded.) I've just read your "late bloomer" article in the last Chronicle. I hear all the things you've “tipped” about, but when I'm in the bar... and see a guy I'd like to approach, bam, I feel like a deer in headlights.

Sure I get glances, and when I feel like working it, double and triple takes. But no man is up and coming, or coming up. I've taken personal inventory, looked at my childhood, done positive affirmations, but when the moment arrives, I clam up. (Mr. 1987 was the last of five brief encounters).

I know I've got to change-to allow a man into my life, but I just seem to not be able to. I'm intelligent, funny, caring, honest, blah, blah, blah. No one pegs me for 30, usually around 23-25 years. I've tried the "Okay, let's do it tonight" approach; I've tried "Whatever happens, happens." The only thing happening is the rent. I joined softball, strike one-two-three.

My biggest fear: I've gone this long without it. It just might be easier to continue without "it." But part of being a healthy human is to have some active sexual expression-with another-that's why we're here, partly. I don't want just a one-night stand, nor a second date. I need a relationship. I've even done the personals. Zippo, and I'm not talking lighters.

Which brings me back to my fear: Is this really something I can do without? I'm sure people who "do" can't relate to those who "don't" because it's just a different experience for either. Like an apple trying to explain to a tomato what it's like to be a tomato. Some parts of being an apple are hard to explain.

I enjoy and look forward to your article each issue (I feel they should give you more room). Any pearls you can offer will greatly be appreciated.

Just Me In Lakewood

PS: If you say "Just Do It" like Nike, it just doesn't work!

PPS: I'm a three-beer person, tops, to try and relax, but not so relaxed as to slur my words. It's just so dang hard to talk over the music. And I go to dance clubs because I truly enjoy dancing.

Dear Me and My Shadow,

Self-help books and their philosophies can yield useful nuggets, but in desperation, it can be tempting to follow them like a cookbook, and to be disappointed when the emotional flan doesn't set. Likewise, it's good to affirm yourself and check out your childhood for the roots of unsuccessful behavioral patterns, but after a while, you just have to deal with who you ended up being.

You're doing all the right things, especially when you joined softball and got out of the bars (way too loud for chit-chat), but I hope that you're doing them because they give you genuine pleasure, not because you're on an anguished man hunt. If you're actually enjoying yourself, you will appear to be the tempting morsel that we know you to be, and the time will pass more quickly and pleasantly until you meet Him. (Mr. Right, not god.)

If you can't will someone to ask you out at this minute, don't put off living your life. Make sure home is homey, and work and play hard. Some handsome lad should be sucked onto your personal field of satisfied gravity. Meanwhile, when you're out dancing, march your "double and triple takes" butt over to one guy each night, and just ask him to dance. You don't have to marry him, but you do need to feel comfortable approaching new folks. And remember, the accomplishment is that you asked, not thathe said yes or no or "I Do." Go get it, brother.

Dear M.T.,

I have recently come out to a close friend from school who is straight. Unlike many people who might have run out of fear of the unknown, she did not. She said she kind of thought I was gay all along but it didn't matter because we were great friends and she accepted me regardless.

Now here's the problem... she is the epitome of the woman I desire. Although we socialize in straight settings, she is very cognizant of my orientation, and we even joke about me checking out cute waitresses while she checks out cute guys. I casually compliment her in the right setting about how attractive she is, and even flirt occasionally. Sometimes she flirts back, and it's driving me crazy!

I'm tired of wanting something I can't have and I'm afraid if I try to steal a kiss or tell her how I feel, that it would hamper our friendship. She's always asking me out, and the more I'm around her, the deeper I'm falling. What's a girl to do? Crazy For Her

Dear Patsy,

Uh oh. When you finally find some one you can trust with the truth, it almost inevitably creates increased intimacy. That makes sense: you're immensely relieved, but still frightened of the repercussions of coming out to anyone else. So, who's ripe

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for a crush? You. Unfortunately, just because someone didn't wig out when you told her you were a big dyke doesn't mean she wants to do the eight-lip mash with you.

The odds of getting it on with this woman are slim, but you know what? If you think she won't run, tell her you have a thing for her, but that you know she's straight so you're keeping a lid on it. She'll probably be flattered, and it may diffuse the tension you're feeling, and if

by the most far-fetched chance, she has previously unrevealed inclinations and a warm spot for you, your dearest dreams may come true. Frankly, I'd keep my eyes peeled for a nice, cute, dyke of a waitress. Good luck.

Send queries or comments to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio @aol.com.

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